Saturday, March 26, 2011

Pride goes before a fall

This morning I flat-ironed my finger. As in, mistook my finger for a section of hair, clamped onto it and held on for several seconds before the searing pain kicked in. While I shrieked and flailed around, my darling husband informed S. not to worry: "It's just Mommy being a klutz again." This sounds insensitive, but given I had walked into the bathroom doorframe five minutes before, not completely unjustified. Forget Mondays, I have a permanent case of the mornings.

My favourite fitness instructor once commented on how graceful I was. Ha! If she only knew...

I started things off with a bang by falling down the stairs in my baby walker – twice. In my parents' defence, I learned how to open the door to the basement in between incidents. These walkers are now illegal in Canada, thank goodness.

My first fall that I remember was when I was eight. I got in a fight with my friend Brendan in my driveway and stormed into the house. In a bizarre preview of teenage girl logic, I dressed up in the amazing outfit you see below (I'm at the bottom) and came prancing out past Brendan, nose stuck in the air. Unfortunately the dress and heels (!) I was wearing were not child-size and I promptly fell flat on my face.


When I was in university, I lived in an attic. Some guy converted his house into student housing, stuck a toilet and kitchenette in his attic, and rented it to my friend and I for $325. Each. To get up to our castle in the sky, we had to climb stairs that had been tacked onto the back of the house that looked like this:


One summer morning during my second-year co-op term at an accounting firm, I was carrying my laptop, purse, audit bag and several files as I began to inch my way down the stairs in my burgundy skirt suit and heels. Shockingly, I lost my balance and fell all the way down the stairs to the landing right outside the middle floor tenants' door, which was open, as the tenants were sitting watching TV and enjoying the summer breeze.

There I sprawled in a dazed heap, files strewn around me like confetti. Call me a mean girl (check out Rachel's blog for the original Mean Girl), but I would totally laugh hysterically if someone made such a scene outside my door. But these people were so weird! They looked at me unsmiling, then went back to watching TV. No offers to help, no laughter, nothing. Maybe they thought I fell down the stairs just to get attention and didn't want to indulge me.

The most fun I ever had falling was at my bachelorette party. After some serious pre-drinking, ice cream cake and pool, my girls and I headed to the club for a foam party. Late in the evening, I was dancing on a ledge above the foam, having the best time ever. As I tumbled off the ledge and started to fall, I remember thinking "I'm flying! Yay, I'm flying! Whee!!"

I didn't register hitting the floor, but simply lay happily in the bottom of the foam before I realized I was in public and should probably get up. As I was mulling this over, my girlfriends came and lifted me out of the foam before I was trampled or molested by the half-naked guys bouncing around in the suds. Good times!

After I got married, I was seconded for a few months to the accounting firm's big city office. I was strolling out of an office tower in the financial district in my black power suit, trundling my audit bag behind me, when I tripped on my cute heels and fell down a few of those really wide, flat concrete stairs. A number of hot young investment bankers rushed to my aid, so while it was too late for me (being married and all), this could be a good pick-up strategy for any single golddiggers out there.

By the time our chief financial officer held a dinner party in his very nice backyard two summers ago, I'd already gained quite a reputation for clumsiness. As a result, when I fell down the deck stairs while going for a second helping of lamb, no one looked twice. One woman from another office heard the crash and said "What was that?" Without even turning around, my co-workers replied, "It's Azara. She's fine."

Since I show no signs of improvement in my ability to remain upright for extended periods of time, I've adopted a protective strategy to strengthen my bones and avoid a premature hip replacement. Dairy's good for your bones, right? Ice cream, here I come!

15 comments:

  1. I think I shall take your advice and chow down on some ice cream to improve my bone muscles. That is the best idea I've heard all day!

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  2. I have the clumsy gene. Hot glue gun burns, broken bones, lanky, unsteady legs. . . I've got a bit of it all thrown in there. I've flat ironed my finger before too! Eeek! Painful. I usually burn my neck and end up looking like a 16 year old caught red handed. Or necked.

    Not only Mean Girls laugh at stair falling, pretty much everyone should. Those people seemed weird *side eye*

    Props for foam parties, investment bankers and frilly dresses. Now I want some ice cream too.

    Happy Weekend :)

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  3. Ice cream fixes everything hope your day got better

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  4. Well, I hope you're happy...everyone reading your blog today now has ice cream cravings, lol!

    I'm going to have to stop for a coffee Gelato when I leave work, sigh.

    As a hair stylist, I singe my fingers constantly with my various irons when I do hair, trust me, I feel your pain!

    Have a lovely week-end, and be careful!

    Patty

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  5. You realize you just made us all five pounds fatter, right? I'm blaming it all on you. (And thank you.) :)

    I don't fall down, but I sure do run into things a lot.

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  6. Haha, you are too funny. I am glad you aren't injuring yourself at least. And life would be boring if we didn't (have someone to laugh at when they) fell down from time to time, haha :)
    THanks for linking up to the blog hop this weekend. I hope you had a great one and found some fun new reads. All the best!

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  7. baha, I have had the priviledge of witnessing many of these events. You can thank me personally for not allowing you to drown in foam and/or be trampled at your bachelorette party.

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  8. I thought that I was the only one who has issues with being upright for long periods of time. Ha! I laughed throughout this entire post - great writing!

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  9. "I have a permanent case of the mornings." I LOVE LOVE this. You had me from this moment.

    The golddigger advice was hilarious!!

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  10. Ohmygoodness this was perfectly told!

    Love the photos and seriously LOVE this line -"I'm flying! Yay, I'm flying! Whee!!"- {Still laughing!}

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  11. We were obviously separated at birth. I fall so often that my husband now refers to it as "pulling an Angie."

    Love the writing, and that I'm not alone in my klutziness. Never heard of a foam party before. Probably a good thing, 'cause I would have been right there on the floor with you. Those pics are priceless.

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  12. Amusing words and hard not to laugh despite your mishaps. I did the same thing to my ear with a hair straightener and couldn't sleep on that ear for a week

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  13. hello there! visiting from TALU.. ohhh my i think i have the same issues. i am this person that usually drops, or breaks things, or burn myself or trip over or stumble down or fall.. i tried though to be mindful in the way i do things and to be very very extra careful so to avoid getting myself into accidents but still it just happens.. lol... !! am glad am not alone lol cheers!! and please be careful too ;-)

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  14. "One woman from another office heard the crash and said "What was that?" Without even turning around, my co-workers replied, "It's Azara. She's fine."

    I seriously CRACKED UP!!! I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUDLY! My 17 month old got startled, looked over aaaaand to my surprise??? "HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA" She said... LMAO!

    This is fucking perfect Az! LOVE IT! And love you!

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    1. That's the moment I realized my klutziness was a little out of the ordinary - that everyone automatically knew it was me. I don't even get embarrassed anymore; I just laugh. And sometimes take a bow. The only time it wasn't funny was when I fell down a set of stairs while pregnant. Thankfully I was in the first trimester and everything was fine, but my husband nearly had a heart attack.

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Lend me some sugar!