Friday, March 18, 2011

Waiting

Linked up with Gypsy Mama's Five Minute Friday, which works like this:

"For five minutes, you simply stop, drop and write. Set your words free. Don’t edit them, don’t fret over them, don’t try to make them perfect."



This week's topic is On Waiting:

*Go*

I keep waiting to be OK with God.  I stopped going to church regularly in 1997, because I was just so tired from trying to reconcile my increasing doubts with my desire to believe.  I was terrified.  My whole identity was wrapped up in my faith, and without faith, who was I?  A blank space, desperately clutching at shreds of tattered beliefs.  But I never meant to leave forever and I still don't mean to.  But just like the diet that never starts tomorrow, somehow I'll always get right with God tomorrow.  When I get pregnant.  When she's born.  When I go back to work.  When she can talk and she's old enough to understand.  Always later.  I want to believe so badly and I'm waiting and waiting for God to make me believe, because I've tried and failed.  I don't want to cheat S. out of a friendship with God if she can find one.  Will I let her opportunity slip away while I wait? 

*Stop*

8 comments:

  1. I highly recommend the book 'Jesus' by Marcus J. Borg. I feel like the picture of Jesus/God that he presents is much easier to believe in than the one we grew up with. Also, finding a church that welcomes doubt and doesn't make you feel like you're a failure if you have it has been important for me. I don't think many exist, but I found one, so there must be more out there (if you ever do decide to try going again).

    ReplyDelete
  2. ixy - Thanks for stopping by my blog! I absolutely loved this post. So honest and so beautiful. One of my favorite prayers comes from Mark 9: "I believe; help my unbelief!"

    ReplyDelete
  3. one of my favorite lines/prayers in all of scripture is "i do believe! help my unbelief." we stand on grace, not even faith, which waxes and wanes. you don't have to wait to get anything right or resolved to go back--God will meet you wherever you are. a seeker's heart is so much better than one full of easy, untested answers.

    lovely, honest post.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow.

    I don't have any answers; my faith is a muddle of confusion and questions. Maybe just teaching her to be a good person, to love everyone she meets because they too are human just like her, maybe that will give her the foundation she needs to find her way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow. Your honesty is refreshing. Doubt and faith sometimes to seem to be opposites, but I believe they have more in common than we realize. Don't lose hope, just yet.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Its good to doubt faith. But then of course I'm not religious so I would say that. I have faith in humanity - which shakes at times - and faith in myself to be a good human - which has shook before now - good luck in your search. Give your child a choice - she'll pick stuff up at school as and when - she'll follow her own mind no doubt. Great honesty in this post which I do so appreciate. Shah from wordsinsync.blogspot.com. Hope to see you monday?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your honesty is refreshing. Don't give up on God, for He hasn't given up on you. I find with my teens that I have just told them to talk to God as they would a best friend. It really doesn't matter where you are or the time. He is just waiting on us. I have church that is so great about accepting you as you are and letting the Lord change your heart. Sometimes it is hard to have faith in things that we don't understand. But as a few of the other comments above, just ask the Lord to help your unbelief. He is just waiting and don't ever give up on yourself. You are awesome in His sight. A precious jewel. Found you by way of Commet Love Day.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks everyone for your comments - this is an area where I have a lot to think about, and I appreciate hearing your perspectives. I had wanted to write a post about this for awhile, and when I linked up to Five-Minute Friday, it just came out.

    Sometimes it's best to just sit and write, without allowing yourself to think about it. Then you stand back and there are your real feelings all splattered on the paper, whether you're ready for them or not.

    ReplyDelete

Lend me some sugar!