Thursday, April 7, 2011

I hate crying at work

Today I cried at work for the first time in years.  I wrote yesterday about how hard I've been working since I came back from mat leave in January.  This week has been especially hellish and at a management meeting this afternoon, we had a surreal discussion about why employee engagement was so low in our area, while we sat there so exhausted we could hardly process the question.  I wanted to scream "Maybe because we never acknowledge the workload might actually be too high!"  The answer is always that the employees are lazy or don't care, never that the chronic stress and workload have finally taken their toll and they can't even pretend to be engaged anymore.

Normally I really enjoy my job - it's intellectually satisfying, I make a good salary (double hubby's) and I respect my colleagues.  I used to cry daily when I was on mat leave because I am just not cut out for full-time stay at home mommyhood.  But today sucked.  J. called at 6:00 just as I was staring at my out-of-control to do list, to tell me that S. has finally learned to crawl!  She's been practising and practising and I wanted to get home before she fell asleep, so I could cuddle her and clap hands at her new trick.  All of a sudden, everything rushed at me and there I was, crying in my office.  I was hoping no one would notice, but of course my boss picked that moment to come in, so now I have to worry about damage control from being the crybaby flake on top of everything else.

Stop the world; I want to get off.

7 comments:

  1. Ugh I had a sucky day too. I wanted to cry too. I feel your pain

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  2. I hate days like that. Hang in there! And congrats on the baby crawling. So exciting!!!

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  3. That's why I'm glad for my cubicle walls and bathroom stalls... because they hide tears on stressful days.

    I'm sorry that you had a rough one. But how amazing is it that your daughter has learned how to crawl? Somehow those amazing little things have a way of helping us to endure. And somehow those everyday miracles have a way of causing the whole world to melt away, if just for a moment, so that we can focus on those things which truly matter in this life, those things which the heart will cradle and cherish long after everything else has faded.

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  4. Sorry about the rough day, I can relate! I read once that stress is the difference between where you are and where you think you should be. The bigger the gap, the bigger the stress. Focus on the things you can control and don't fret over the things you can't. Enjoy crawling and make sure everything is now babyproofed--they can scoot really fast once they get the hang of that!

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  5. Ugh. I hate that for you. Stoopid werkings, is what we say around here. It takes away from all the fun. :(

    I wish that you had a boss who could understand that you just missed out on a big milestone in your child's life. Or that you could tell him/her that you're feeling overworked and overwhelmed and that you're feeling close to the breaking point. I wish that they would talk to you kindly and remind you that it's just a job and that all you can do is one thing at a time. I wish they would shed a tear with you for the moment you missed with your daughter, then send you home to try to catch a few of those before they're all gone.

    Mostly, I hope tomorrow is brighter and happier and that you see your baby crawl and that the assholes at work aren't such big assholes and that somebody says something nice to you and it makes your day.

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  6. Sorry you had a hard day:( That has happened to me before, breaking down at work, not a nice experience. Hope you have a better day tommorrow:) Thank you for sharing!

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  7. Thanks for the encouraging words - much appreciated!

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Lend me some sugar!