Thursday, May 26, 2011

Summer Shame

 Hurray!  The happy season is finally here!  Unfortunately, all that sun seems to fry people's brains, making it necessary to establish some summer rules.  Enjoy this special time, but please DON'T:

1)  Wear any kind of backless shoe to work.  That slap-slap of your feet all day long makes me want to slap-slap you upside the head.

2)  Douse yourself with perfume or cologne.  Scented sweat is nasty. 

3)  Squish yourself into something that doesn't fit.  Actually, this applies all year long, but the results are especially horrifying in summer:

4)  Torture us with excessive air conditioning.  All winter long, we feebly stretch our pasty hands towards the windows, chanting "One day summer will come again and warmth will return."  Finally that glorious sunny day arrives, and as we walk into the building glowing with happiness, we're blasted with icy cold air that shoots out of vents in every direction.  An hour later, we're shivering and rubbing our blue nails while whispering curses to the maintenance department through our chattering teeth. 

Just because men are fatter and therefore warmer than women, and persist in wearing full suits in the middle of summer, does not mean we should be subjected to indoor winter all summer long.

5)  Fall asleep on your back in the sun.

6)  Go braless.  You might think your cute little A or B cups don't need a bra.  You are wrong.  No one wants to see your nipples.  My fellow busty ladies generally know better, but every once in awhile:

7)  Inflict your hideous music choices on the world by refusing to turn down the volume at stoplights.  Have fun blasting it on the highways, but have some common courtesy while in town.  Damn kids.

8)  Ignore this magical time by hermiting in your house.  Take the laptop outside!

9)  Take just any summer job:

10)  Pretend it's summer when it's not.  I know how badly you want it to be sun-time fun-time (see #3 above), but winter is bad enough without being subjected to Tanorexic Tacky Barbie.

Thanks MamaKat for another great writing prompt!

Mama’s Losin’ It

15 comments:

  1. I have a space heater in my office and it gets almost as much use in the summer time as it does in the winter. At my workplace, it's not suit-wearing business men that control the A/C - it's menopausal women. That just might be worse... lol!

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  2. The pictures are hilarious! I particularly enjoyed the baseball cap tan-lined one :)

    (visiting from Mama Kat's)

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  3. No, no, no on that bathing suit!!!!! I can't handle such a monstrosity!

    And that last picture, it looks like she got into a fight with some wood tint and then had a pink fairy throw up on her....yikes.

    And I'm with you on the air conditioning. I sit in a basement where it's COLD, ALL the time and the douchebag in the room next to me comes over and opens MY window. Pisses me the eff off, in fact...I just got snotty with him about it!

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  4. So funny! I'm in Texas and summer starts in March for us. I can't tell you how many of #10 I've already seen this year.

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  5. Now that my retina's are seared from those abominations I'm going to go curl up in the fetal position in some remote corner of my house and never leave! lmao. Why do people do that to themselves. Although funny story I was gardening im my back yard wearing my bathing suit and I looked down and low and behold my boob was bear. I guess all the movement had moved it right on over. No worries I'm going to buy another one that stays in place. Not that anyone would notice since Im flat as a pancake but still... have a great day lady

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  6. I cringe to think what the backside of that bathing suit looks like! Yikes!!

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  7. This is HILARIOUS! Holy cow, awesome. That bathing suit made me cringe just a little though...in a good way :)

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  8. hahahaha omg, now that is something else. The bathing suit picture brined my eyes!!!!

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  9. It's painful to look at the picture of that woman in the monokini! And seriously, didn't Drew look at herself in the mirror before going out?!

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  10. Some good Don'ts. Very funny pictures

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  11. Ha, ha, thanks for the morning laugh!

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  12. HA! I threw up a little when I saw that bathing suit. And can I just say AMEN about number 4?!?!?

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  13. I absolutely looove this post!!! Especially the part about AC. So true! As soon as the first heat wave comes in the spring, they have to switch on the AC hysterically at the bus, so then all summer long every time you go by bus you get frost injuries (or whatever you call it). Hate it!!

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  14. "No one wants to see your nipples."

    Actually, I would have to beg to differ on that one. Plenty of guys seem to love women with their "headlights" on. As a matter of fact, the last two guys that I dated would practically twist their necks off when they spotted a young bra-less woman. I guess that's why I'm no longer with either of them.

    "Ignore this magical time by hermiting in your house. Take the laptop outside!"

    Sorry, I don't have a laptop... but even if I did, I'd still the play the hermit since I'm probably one of the few people on this planet who prefers fluorescent lights and AC over sunshine and the warmth of outdoors.

    Enjoy the summer!!! (I'll make sure to wave hello occasionally through my window blinds.)

    :-D

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Lend me some sugar!