Even knowing the odds and having a gut feeling something wasn't OK, it was still hard to hear the OB tech say it this morning. "And there's the heartbeat," she said, turning the screen to show me the little flickering square. "Just one?" I asked. "Just one," she said and thankfully refrained from saying anything else.
The mix of emotions is hard to process. Sadness for the little life that was here for such a short time. Relief that a terrifying financial weight poised above us has been lifted. Guilt for feeling relief. Gratefulness that I didn't have more time to get attached. Grief that there's nothing to hold onto, no ultrasound pictures, nothing at all. I don't even know if my little one was a boy or a girl.
And yet there's one. So much more than many women have, and I'm thankful for that. Fingers crossed that my tiny survivor makes it all the way.