Monday, August 22, 2011

And then there was one

Even knowing the odds and having a gut feeling something wasn't OK, it was still hard to hear the OB tech say it this morning. "And there's the heartbeat," she said, turning the screen to show me the little flickering square.  "Just one?" I asked.  "Just one," she said and thankfully refrained from saying anything else.

The mix of emotions is hard to process.  Sadness for the little life that was here for such a short time.  Relief that a terrifying financial weight poised above us has been lifted.  Guilt for feeling relief.  Gratefulness that I didn't have more time to get attached.  Grief that there's nothing to hold onto, no ultrasound pictures, nothing at all.  I don't even know if my little one was a boy or a girl.

And yet there's one.  So much more than many women have, and I'm thankful for that.  Fingers crossed that my tiny survivor makes it all the way.

19 comments:

  1. ugh, Sending you the good vibes is what I meant to say. :/

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  2. girl, we were on the same page today with our writing, but mine isn't fresh like yours is.
    i'm so so sorry about your baby! what does the doctor say about the one still living?

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  3. I literally know exactly how you feel. I was carrying twins for about 7 1/2 weeks. They were both there and then, it was just one. It was both thrilling and anxiety inducing and then when were were told there was only one heartbeat I was both incredibly sad and elated. Elated because I had had some bleeding and cramping and thought I'd lost them both. It took so long to get pregnant this time I was simply amazed we finally were. At the same time I was so heartbroken that we lost one I cried a bit off and on for a few days. Like you said, I was grateful I didn't have enough time to get attached. The hard part was the appointments afterwards when we went to the orientation they kept referring to my pregnancy as multiples and I kept having to explain that her was only one now. It sucked. In the end, it was better this way I think. I don't think my body would have been able to handle twins and I guess there's a reason for everything, right?

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  4. OH Hun, I totaly feel for you and understand!

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  5. I'm sorry for your loss.

    I'm happy for the new life that you're making.

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  6. Oh girl, hugs, hugs, hugs! It's okay to mourn the loss of your baby even if you didn't know him or her for very long. A mother's love doesn't know foolish boundaries like time. And I am so, so happy that you still have a little heartbeat in there....

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  7. I agree with what Dwija said and also consider naming him/her. Also read Heaven is For Real. Both of those can bring you such healing!

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  8. oh my gosh, i agree with sarita. "heaven is for real" is a great book, particularly for parents who have lost babies.

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  9. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Hugs and much love!!

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  10. Having been through this but losing both of them my heart goes out to you. I pray your littlest survivor makes it. I'm sending big hugs your way my friend..

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  11. Ixy, I'm sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way!

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  12. Boo - I just replied to an e-mail of yours congratulating you, now I feel silly. I'm sorry to hear about this - I'm sending you my positive thoughts. Keep that other bean safe! :)

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  13. Hopped over from The Lightning and the Lightning Bug.

    I'm sorry for your loss. My best wishes to you and your little one.

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  14. All of the emotions you lay out here must be rolling over you time and time again. I am sending you prayer and thoughts of healing. Be kind to yourself. Try not to beat yourself up for any of the feelings you are having. It is all part of trying to make sense and come to terms with it. Take care!

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  15. Wow. What a lot to say, grasp, emote in such a short post. I've never been there, and don't know what to say since I don't know the whole back story, but I appreciate the peek inside.

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  16. Thanks for sharing how painful grief can be, how the emotions are different, how our thoughts can make us feel guilty. You hit it right on. I am so sorry for your loss but so happy for the "one".

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  17. Feeling both grief and joy with this last ultrasound can only be confusing. However with loss, there is no right or wrong. Whatever you feel (or don't) is fine. I'm so sorry Ixy.

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  18. Oh Ixy...it's so difficult to say anything meaningful; "I'm sorry" seems so inadequate but it's all I have at this moment.

    That...and hugs, my friend.

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Lend me some sugar!