Monday, August 15, 2011

Silence all, now go to sleep

TRIGGER WARNING

There will never be a next time.  The knives will stay in the drawer and my eyes will close softly at night, to open clear and white the next day.  The world doesn't need to be muffled by exhaustion.  I've found The One and his love pads the slicing blow of loneliness.  There's no need to cry. 

There will never be a next time.  The bed will be made every day without me in it, and yogurt cups and unread textbooks won't form unsteady waves across the floor.  The curtains will open.  I've hit my goal weight and a little dizziness and headaches are well worth sliding sylph-like through the world.  The constant calculating is good for my math skills anyway. 

There will never be a next time.  The car won't shriek against the guard rail as I jerk out of slumber, and I won't sob myself to sleep every night in a strange room so far away.  The exam is passed and I've made it.  Student loan balance steadily dwindling and the wedding ring smiling on my finger twinkles.  Only blue skies to come.

I've caught the tail of that elusive rainbow.  The perfect job, the perfect man, the perfect weight.  A full-fledged swan and no sign of that wretched duckling.  Happily ever after is here.

And I'm lying in the closet, slow steady tears bathing my face, trying to breathe between the stabbing jabs in my ribs and the crushing pressure in my throat.  A tiny piece of me wishes he wasn't here, so I could just go peacefully, knowing no one would be left to notice or care.  The thought of children terrifies me, the unborn arms reaching out to trap me in this hopeless existence, eliminating the shadowy but always present final escape route.

There is absolutely nothing wrong.

* * * * *

I wrote this in response to a RemembeRED prompt, which asked us to write about a moment you knew something needed to drastically change.  This was the moment I knew I needed to visit my doctor to talk about my "high-strung" personality.



 

11 comments:

  1. whoa. that was rough! well written, but distressing!

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  2. I'm with her, HOLY CRAP, that had MY anxiety through the roof just reading it! As excellent as that was, I'm gonna need to go lay down.

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  3. Some beautiful writing and I do prefer my literature DARK! So this is perfect. So well written. In fact, I'd probably say this was one of my faves of your increasingly fab creations! Shah - Oh - and many thanks for linking this up at Monday Madness too!

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  4. Great writing. I like the imagery of the bedroom. And hiding in the closet. It is achingly familiar.

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  5. Wow, that was really powerful. I'm glad you added the editorial note about going to see the doctor. I was so anxious for you through the whole thing!

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  6. That was almost like poetry. The way you show us your pain was brilliantly done.

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  7. Beautifully written...your words always have a way of penetrating to the soul of the matter. I've felt a lot of the emotion in this...can relate to it well.

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  8. Wow. This is so powerful and compact, and yes poetic. Nicely done. I feel you on "high-strung!"

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  9. having been in that same situation I can relate. It's a dark and lonely place surrounded by shoes and hidden by clothing.
    Don't let yourself get to down there sweet lady. Before you know it you'll be back in the closet because those sweet children will be coming to tell you they are joining the marines or moving away. You'll look back and wonder where the years went and just want to hold them one more time.

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  10. I'm so chuffed you linked this up over at M.M today Ixy. ;D XX

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  11. This is profoundly sad Ixy, and yet it's what we do so often. I am glad you were able to frame this piece for us to enable us to see ourselves there as well as for you.

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Lend me some sugar!