Saturday, September 3, 2011

All I wanted was a simple nipple from you

Things have been a little heavy around here lately and I needed a laugh.  Happy tears and stomach cramps later, I thought I'd share the hilarity with you.

Better start saving for the kid's therapy bill now:


(who's that weird guy in the background? oh, that's just your father)


and what about the effect of that cigarette?

When the news makes you laugh:

Windermere, UK (Feb 3, 2011) - John Powell is facing jail after he tried to scare teenagers away by chasing his ketchup-smeared fiancée down a moonlit farm track while wielding an axe.  He hatched the plan with Lucy Walton, 27, to spook the men parked in a lay-by on Cleabarrows Lane, Windermere.

"We were parked in the lay-by playing cards when we saw a woman come from down the lane," said Simon Jackson.  "She got to the car and was asking us to help her saying: Let me in, let me in. She was banging on the window in terror. Not long after he came with an axe and was tapping on the window. Then we were scared because we thought he was going to smash through the window."

John Powell, 28, admitted two charges of possessing an axe in a public place and using behaviour likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress on October 20, 2010, when he appeared at South Lakeland Magistrates Court.  Weeping as she gave evidence to the court, Miss Walton said they had wanted to scare the men who she believed regularly parked in the lay-by next to their farmland.

"We've had problems with youths on the lane. We'd seen that car in the past and called police but thought this time we'd scare them ourselves," she said. "There's litter and my horse had recently been injured because of people driving across the fields."

The couple have now had to cancel their wedding in Jamaica as well as a planned move to Australia as the court case prevents him from travelling.

Sacramento, California (Sept 3, 2011) - A California man is in custody after being accused of biting a python in what police said was apparently an unprovoked attack on the pet snake of an acquaintance.  The suspect, David Senk, 54, was arrested Thursday evening on suspicion of unlawfully maiming or mutilating a reptile, Sacramento police Sergeant Andrew Pettit said Friday. The badly injured snake underwent surgery.

In a jailhouse interview aired on KOVR-TV in Sacramento, Senk said he had no recollection of the incident after having blacked out from drinking but felt “horrible as hell about it.”  Senk said in the interview he was “not too fond of snakes (but) I try not to bite them.” 

Aug 10, 2010 - A Mount Pleasant, PA woman has been charged with harassment after smearing a dirty diaper across the windshield of another woman’s car after both attended the Fayette County Fair.  The road rage incident took place while stuck in a traffic jam as both women were leaving the Dunbar Township fairgrounds.

The dirty deed was reported to police on Saturday at 10:50 PM. Jessica Hollis, 23, of Mount Pleasant, PA has been charged with harassment after rashly smearing the windshield belonging to Melanie Campbell, 36, of Hopwood.  Campbell’s children were in the back seat of her car during the incident.  A phone number listed in Jessica Hollis’s name was disconnected Monday.

Hamburg, Germany (June 6, 2011) - More than 1,600 people showed up to celebrate a German teenager’s 16th birthday party after she inadvertently invited the public to attend on Facebook, Hamburg police said on Sunday.  The teenager named Thessa fled her home in the leafy Bramfeld section of Hamburg and alerted police after 15,000 Facebook users accepted her invitation ahead of the Friday evening birthday party, police spokesman Mirko Streiber said.

The crowd of 1,600 mostly jovial revelers jammed into the street on a balmy evening in front of her house while about 100 police were on hand to keep order for the duration from 7 p.m. and 2 a.m. Thessa had unwittingly neglected to mark her party as private on the social network, police said.

Streiber said 11 people were taken into custody for violations ranging from bodily harm and resisting arrest to property damage and violating explosives laws.  “It was by and large a peaceful party,” Streiber said. “There were some fires set alight, some acts of violence and with considerable alcohol consumption there was some property damage. There have been larger organized birthday parties in Hamburg but this may be the largest unorganized birthday party ever.”

Bermuda (Aug 25, 2011) - A traveller at a Bermuda airport last week was tired of being strip-searched -- so she took all her clothes off right there in line.

"If you want to see me naked, you can do it right f***ing here," Loukai Phillips told customs officers at LF Wade International Airport, according to the island's Royal Gazette newspaper.

The 36-year-old Bermudian who now lives abroad flew back to the island to take care of some financial matters. Her lawyer, Charles Richardson, told the paper she made the "impetuous decision" because she was frustrated at getting strip searched every time she returns.

She pleaded guilty to indecent exposure in a public place and apologized to the court. The judge gave her a 12-month conditional discharge and told her, "If you don't want to be searched, don't come through customs."

Houston, Texas (Mar 5, 2010) - A man who authorities say robbed a bank in northeast Harris County apparently wasn't greedy during his heist.

The man, dubbed the “Frugal Felon” by the FBI, robbed the First Convenience Bank inside a Kroger grocery store in the 12600 block of Woodforest about noon Thursday, authorities said.

He walked into the banking area, strode to a teller's window and pushed a note demanding cash across the counter.  The teller placed an undisclosed amount of cash on top of the note, but as she reached down below the counter to grab more money to give to the thief, he told her, “No, that's enough.” Then he grabbed the cash on the counter and the note and walked out of the store.

More proof parenting (or least dressing your baby) should be licensed:


(using your baby as a billboard is not good parenting)


tmi...

The best autocorrect fails ever (from damnyouautocorrect.com):










And to wrap things up, I leave you with the always classic People of Wal-Mart:




Shopping and baking all in one!


13 comments:

  1. Oh dear god!! That was some GREAT laughter! Thank you!

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  2. OMG.... and we wonder why the world is a screwed up place... people are just wrong on so many levels

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  3. so much craziosity going on in the world! those preg pics are nutsy! and damnyouautocorrect is one of my favorite sites. it's a guaranteed laugh every time!

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  4. Sadly, you could bake cookies in your car here lately in Oklahoma. It's been an oven here!!

    Loved the prego pics. Makes me wonder what type of pix we would take if we decide to get pregnant lol.

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  5. Pregnancy freaks me out. Carrying another person around inside you just isn't natural.

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  6. I loved the "I'd like to come take it for a test drive" thing. THAT is awesome.

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  7. bwhahahha I needed these giggles after the week I have had...

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  8. That was good! I didn't realize how much a needed to laugh until I read your post! A few thoughts:

    Wait, they were playing cards in their car?? If that doesn't scream suspicious, I don't know what does!

    I love the oven dash board oven idea! What a great way to save on electricity - and your car will smell yummy too!!!

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  9. HA! Now my stomach is hurting from laughing so hard! Had to share this post with the hubby...it's going to take awhile to get the image of those pregnant ladies out of our heads though :)

    Thanks for the laugh!

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  10. MAJOR LOL for the whole post. People take the weirdest pregnancy photos. I have a few people in my sphere of influence who don't watch their auto-correct and they say the funniest things.

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  11. One of your best post so far. Hope all is well with the little one.

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Lend me some sugar!