Thursday, September 22, 2011

Not OK

I hope you'll be patient with my limited reading and posting over the next little while.  As Angela at Begging the Answer said, I can't be a smart ass when I'm feeling wretched.  On Sunday I was on the first day of a business trip and delivered my dead baby alone in a hotel room far from home.  Last night when I got home J. and I spent some time with our little one and are planning a burial.

I can't keep pretending I'm OK.  I'm not.

Hope you'll still be here when I get back.

16 comments:

  1. I am so, so very sorry for your terrible loss. I have no words to soothe your pain. Just know that you are loved. Thinking of you tonight...

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  2. I am so sorry for the pain and sadness you are feeling.

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  3. Ohhh, wow. We'll wait for you. Take your time. That is a sad, sad post :(

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  4. I can't even begin to understand this kind of devastation. I don't know what else to say... In the middle of typing these words I just prayed for you and your husband, that you'll make it through this hurt together... and be given the strength to stand, love and endure. May you find some solace in knowing that both of you are on our hearts and in our prayers.

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  5. I wish I could hug you right now. I barely know you, and I have tears in my eyes imagining what you must be going through, the thoughts that must be scattered like shards of broken glass in your mind. I am so, terribly sorry. I will be here when you return, and will understand if you decide not to. I hope you know that you are cared about and loved.

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  6. Oh, Ixy! I am so sorry for your tragic loss. There are no words to say, other than your family, and especially you, will be in my thoughts and heart. I will definitely be here when you are up to returning...and will check in on you often!

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  7. I am so sorry sweetie. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. I am just so very sorry

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  8. oh my gosh, that is so brutal. there are no words to make it better.

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  9. I will be here...whenever you decide to come back.

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  10. I picked up on your blog on a funny one and read back to the agony behind it. Hugs to you. I wish I could say something to take away the hurt.

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  11. I'll be here.

    Take care of yourself girl. *hugs*

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  12. My heart hurts for you. What a horrible thing to go through by yourself far from home.

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  13. "Death really sucks" were among the first words my 13 year old son said to me-when I told him his dad died of a unexpected heart attack .
    Death, really does suck.
    I have learned a lot about grief in the the last two years but I think the thing that surprised me most is how quickly it can sweep over and send you head over heals...one moment you are ok and the next you aren't. I always fell a part at grocery stores even when I was feeling strong so I avoided them for a long time...I couldn't avoid grief but I could avoid some of the triggers.
    The wisest thing anyone said to me was "right now is awful but it wasn't awful yesterday and it won't always be awful tomorrow--right now you are living between the parentheses ( )"
    Right now sucks...what a horrible trauma you have experience on so many levels..and while you will never "get over" the experience in time it won't suck as much. I promise.
    Sending you love and light

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  14. Oh Ixy...That must have been so hard. I'm so, so sorry. Don't pretend you're okay. Stuffing it down doesn't make it go away. Your grief is real and raw. The world can stop a while for you, while you process the pain. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.


    Julie

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  15. Oh God, I'm so sorry. I know. I'm a complete stranger. But your notes from a recent post sent me nosing through the backlog, and I want to say that I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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Lend me some sugar!