So here's a little tribute to a few of the wonderful things The Market has pried from my grubby little hands:
- "Grass" perfume by Gap. You disappeared from Canada over a decade ago and I haven't smelled that great since. When I saw you at Grove City in Pennsylvania, I thought it was some kind of scent mirage and piled you into my bag with tears of joy. But now I've only got one of you left...
- Dirt'n'Worms; X-Mint; and Ebony and Ivory ice cream from Baskin Robbins. You took me through many a marathon study session and provided countless post-workout treats. Alas, the market prefers flavours like green tea for their long-term ice cream needs. I've managed to recreate Dirt'n'Worms at home, but the other flavours are lost to my forlorn tongue forever. I miss you, X-Mint.
- Ryka N Gage Instructor cross-trainers. For the first time since Nike took away my favourite running shoes in 2000, I actually did a high-impact aerobics class without feeling like my knees and ankles were going to collapse in agony beneath me. We had two wonderful years together and now you're gone. Your replacement sucks and my ankles are still aching from yesterday's zumba class. I blame Kelly Ripa.
- Rusk Being Wild. The only frizz fighting product that has ever worked on my defective, Ugly Betty-like hair. Apparently no one else has hair quite like mine, because now I can only find you on ebay at horrifying prices. Guess every day's gonna be a bad hair day soon.
- Olive dress pants. I had a nice pair of you for work 5 years ago, but spilled grease on you in my usual clumsy fashion. I was annoyed, but didn't realize I might never have nice neutral olive pants again. I have been unable to find you since ruining that first pair, except the short, elastic-waist kind my great-grandma might wear. I know you exist in some dimension - I just can't find you. This is what I want (butt included please!), although a little less form-fitting for work:
- The local women's only gym. You were the best gym I've ever been to, and I've been to a lot. A perfect schedule, affordable fees, knowledgeable desk staff and fantastic, friendly instructors. After you'd been in business for 25 years, I joined your little slice of workout heaven. Two years later, you were gone. Goodlife has half the class selection, much higher fees, rude and clueless desk staff and freakishly robotic, impersonal instructors. But apparently that's what the market wanted, because now it's the only chain of gyms available within 40 km.
- Notes from the Underbelly TV show. I've stopped watching new TV shows until they've been out for a few seasons, since everything I start watching invariably gets cancelled (Girls Club, you were way better than Lipstick Jungle! But guess which one got the axe...)
And the most recent victim: Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger chips.
You were the best chips I've ever had but our time together has ended. Most infuriating is that you still exist, but all the grocery stores in our area have removed you, as explained by Zehrs:
Dear Ms. Azara,
Thank you for taking the time to write to us. I would like to apologize in the delay in responding to your email, as we are experiencing a higher than normal volume of emails.
We do try to offer a range of products that will meet the needs and tastes of all our customers, and we do review all products on a regular basis to ensure their suitability. However, in evaluating this particular product, the Doritos All-nighter Cheeseburger chips, we found that there is currently very low customer demand for it, and as a result the decision was made to no longer offer it as part of our regular inventory.
I know this is not the answer you were looking for and I apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you and your family. We certainly understand your disappointment, and can assure you that your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate department for further review and consideration.
President's Choice service representative
This is why people become hoarders.