Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I'm here for your entertainment

Sherilin at laughing my abs off did an awesome post awhile back on some of her memorable mistakes.  I've decided to continue carrying the torch'o'foolishness and will outline some short cautionary tales for your holiday entertainment.

1)  Let's see if anyone will stop

I believe this is the stupidest and most dangerous thing I've ever done, and can only blame the sheer hormonal insanity that is a teenage girl.  On the way home from a shopping trip, my 14-year-old girlfriends and I decided to go stand on a street corner to see if anyone (Richard Gere, maybe?) would stop.  A car full of skeezy guys did stop, and we were fortunate to just run off laughing.  This is the kind of behaviour that terrifies me about S.'s teenage years to come.

2)  If I drive faster and turn the music up, the car will magically repair itself!

I was driving down the local expressway at dusk a few years ago, happily singing and enjoying the summer's evening breeze.  I noticed what seemed to be a small cardboard box in my lane, and although I didn't try to hit it, I didn't try not to either.  After the car did a fun little tip up on one side, it was clear I'd hit something a teensy bit more solid than cardboard. 

About 5 minutes later, the car began to make unhappy squawking noises.  My solution to this?  Turn the music up, baby!  Oh, and speed up so I could get home faster and J. could look at whatever was wrong.  After careening through the second in a series of roundabouts, the car stopped responding to my movements of the steering wheel and I somehow managed to pull over. 

Long story short, the car was irreparably damaged (something about a broken axle and some other mechanic-y gibberish), and J. was very not happy about my loud music and speed approach to the situation.  I think he thought I'd learned something from the infamous pinball incident, in which I used ricochet momentum to get my previous car up an icy apartment driveway.  Apparently not.



3)  That was so not candy

Right before S. was born, I was hanging out in her nursery decorating, fueled by a big mug of water and some Runts candy.  I was scarfing down that candy like no one's business and taking some big swigs in between.  On one gulp, I thought I felt something in the water, but assumed it was just a Runt candy still in my mouth.  So I took a big hearty chomp.  An incredibly bitter and revolting taste flooded across my tongue and I spit the whole mouthful out onto the nursery carpet. 

I then had to spend the next several minutes cleaning up the bits of wings and other debris from the ladybug I had just bit into.  That was it for the Runts candy too.  Just thinking about them makes me feel pukey.

 

NOT



4)  Can I assk you a question?

In my mid-20s, I had a mini quarter-life crisis.  This reached its peak while J. and I were driving through a neighbouring city, and I was whining as usual about how I never had any fun, because I was such a good girl and never broke any rules.  In a desperate attempt to shut me up, J. dared me to moon someone.

Well, we weren't in our own city and this was my chance to be a bad girl (yes I know this is pretty weak on the "bad" scale).  So I dropped my drawers and hung my ass out the window, laughing hysterically.  For some reason, J. then STOPPED the car.  In front of a bus stop full of teenagers.  The bus stop was in front of a retirement home, with the local high school a few minutes down the block.  This was the majority reaction:



On top of almost falling out of the car, my moon was left in full, non-moving view of many more people than I was expecting.  I still don't know what got into J.  Thank God this was before cellphone cameras had quite reached their current popularity level.

OH MY GOD.  While I was looking for pictures for this post, I came across this unbelievable photo. Some stupid woman on Toddlers and Tiaras has apparently dressed up her child as a prostitute!!  My apologies if this is an old story, but it's new to me.  Seriously, they should find some pill or something to temporarily sterilize everyone at the age of 10 or 11, and then you shouldn't be allowed to have the reversal until you've passed a parenting course proving you are mentally and emotionally competent to have the care and custody of a small human being. 

Here's the pic I found - how could anyone possibly rationalize this as being OK????  That poor baby.


This is the kind of mistake that isn't funny at all.

4 comments:

  1. how funny that i was signing into my blogger dashboard & saw my name at the top of your post! i love your best/worst mistakes! the one with your runts ladybug is so gross! ew ew ew! and the mooning one sounds like a story i could have lived, but i was more of a boob flasher than a mooner.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh the ladybug...bleh. And that last one should be illegal.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Funny stories! And the ladybug story... blech!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Very interesting post, it made me laugh, grossed out, and concerned! And I definitely agree that there should be some sort of parenting course/test to make sure people don't do things like that to their kids!

    ReplyDelete

Lend me some sugar!