Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Revving up

I found a great December writing prompt series on Random Girl's blog and decided to join in, fashionably late as usual.  Don't mind the summarized answers while I catch up - I'm going to double up the days until I'm on track with everyone else.


Day 1 - One word

Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

The word is "coping."  I went back to work full-time January 4, 2011 to a company in the midst of major transition, including dealing with lawsuits and fraud allegations against senior members of my department.  S. still gets up at least once a night at nearly 18 months, and even though J. gets up with her, I'm permanently exhausted.  It often feels like life is a horrible, crushing routine of joylessness and domestic drudgery that never ends. 

The terror and excitement of finding out I was pregnant with twins in late July slid into a nightmare as I miscarried one on my friend's wedding day, then found out six weeks later the second had died weeks before.  I kept on going to work and parenting S. because I didn't know what else to do, and those things aren't really optional.  But I feel a kind of dreary misery now, like I'm soaked to the bone in a cold muddy wilderness, just picking up one foot after the other while I dream of earlier, happier times.

It's been a shitty year.  I don't have a special word for 2012, only a hope that I'll achieve something better than simply coping with my life.

Day 2 - My children will do it differently

If you could choose one thing that your children will do or experience in a different way than you have, what would it be and why?

I'd like S. to experience life unafflicted by guilt every time something brings her pleasure.  While I'm not looking to raise a complete hedonist, there must be something more moderate than my childish inquiry to my mother about whether eating sugar was "unChristian" (since I enjoyed it, I knew it must be wrong).

But more than anything else, I would choose that S. be spared from the bullying I experienced.  It changed me permanently, and not for the better.  On top of my worry for S. herself, I'm not sure I can handle re-living it through her and I hope I don't have to find out.

3 comments:

  1. I really hope my kids don't have the issues I have had during my life, and good health.

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  2. I'm SO glad you are joining in the reverb11 goodness! It has been a good discipline in taking stock of what is happening in your life, the good and the bad. So sorry for your loss and for your sense of just making it as opposed to really being able to enjoy your year. Here's to a much more joyful 2012 coming your way!

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  3. I can't even imagine what you've been through and I won't pretend I understan. I don't want my kids to have my issues either or be raised in some of the ways I was. Yes, we should not feel guilty every time we enjoy something. There is nothing Biblical about that anyways. God doesn't want us to feel that way. I pray 2012 is a more joyful year for you.

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Lend me some sugar!