Thursday, September 29, 2011

Bullies

If you've been reading for awhile, you know how I feel about bullies.  One of my blogging besties, Natalie, just got some vile hate mail from some loser who was too chicken shit to even sign her name.  You gotta laugh at trolls, because they don't have the balls to stand up and own their dumbass thoughts.  Someone who would make the comments this freak did is the scum of the earth and I can only hope for some good cold karma to kick in. 

What can I say...I'm feeling a teensy bit vicious lately.  I was actually just thinking about this because this morning I did a kickboxing class, and noticed a mean girl I used to go to school with in the back row.  I was slightly tempted to move back a bit and "accidentally" kick her in the head.  Would have been good riddance to some bad shit.  Just sayin'.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Narcissist Alphabet

Sunday Stealing - woot woot!  The linky's here.



A. Age:  Well, I've celebrated my 29th birthday more than once and have been forced to admit the number now starts with a 3.

B. Bed size:  Queen, but I'm just waiting for our mattress to die so I have an excuse to buy a king.  One more full-term pregnancy should do it.

C. Chore that you hate:  Dishes.  I can't think of anything more revolting than sloshing my hands around in tepid water as chunks of half-eaten, decomposing food slime against my skin.  I'd rather clean the toilet any day.

D. Dogs:  No, thank you.  I prefer to give my consent before someone buries their nose in my crotch.

E. Essential start to your day:  Brushing my teeth.  I can't function with a furry mouth.

F. Favorite color:  Black and red.

G. Gold or Silver:  Silver.

H. Height:  5'5 and a half.  I'm usually wearing 2-4 inch heels and people are often shocked at my true shortness when they encounter me sans pretty shoes.

I. Instruments you play:  Piano

J. Job title:  Manager of Accounting and some other stuff...or something like that

K. Kids:  An amazing 15-month old daughter who lights up my life

L. Live:  In a way that brings peace to your soul.

M. Mother's name:  Too long for some automatic systems to handle, so she regularly gets mail addressed to "Mrs. Virgin Smith."  Haha!

N. Nicknames:  Wabbit, Sunshine, Ram

O. Overnight hospital stays:  C-section with my daughter.  It was fantastic and lulled me into a false sense of security about how difficult it would be to take care of a newborn once they made me leave.

P. Pet peeve:  People who tailgate or drive too slowly in the passing lane.  Good Lord, you have a reasonable speed range of 20 km.  Why is this so difficult to manage?

Q. Quote from a movie:  "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

R. Right or left handed:  Right.

S. Siblings:  A younger sister and brother.

T. Time you wake up:  As late as possible.  This is why evening baths were invented.

U. Underwear:  My choices in this area shifted a bit after this charming incident.

V. Vegetable you hate:  Onions - blech!

W. What makes you run late:  Blogging.  Most linkys start in the morning and if you're the last one in, no one visits (except for me - I read linkys from the bottom up for this very reason).  I don't have time to read in the morning, so I link up and then come back that night.  But I always feel bad for not commenting right away, so I try to visit at least one or two before I leave for the day.  And then I'm late. 

X. X-Rays you've had:  Plenty of dental, a broken finger and a full-body screening by the U.S. border freaks last week.  1984 is here alright.

Y. Yummy food that you make: My own version of Marble Slab Creamery creations - yum!!

Z. Zoo animal:  Tigers.  Cats are the best.

Hey Brad Pitt...your sensitivity chip is missing

Today's public service announcement is brought to you by me, Azara, based on a lifetime of exposure to the disease of insensitivity.  Please forward this announcement to those who need to see it.

If you feel the beginnings of any of the following sentences or phrases trembling on your lips, STOP.  There is a high likelihood the person you're speaking to will think something along the lines of the comments in brackets below.


1)  "When are you due?" (You asshole.  I am pregnant with last night's buffet dinner and ice cream, not an actual baby.)


2)  "When are you going to have a (first, second, whatever) baby?  You should start trying now, because you're not getting any younger!"  (You asshole.  I actually started trying a few months back, but the baby just died.  Thanks for asking.  I hadn't noticed that my fertility will start dropping like a stone shortly, and this might have been my last chance to have another/any child.  Thanks for reminding me of that too.)




3)  "Oh, you cut your hair.  I liked it better the old way."  (You asshole.  It's my hair and WTF am I supposed to do about it now anyway?  Glue the strands back on my head?)


4)  "That's so retarded/gay."  (You asshole.  My child, sister, brother, parent has to deal with enough discrimination and cruelty every day.  Don't add to the world's ignorance by mocking my loved one's existence and equating it with stupidity.)


5)  "Why shouldn't I park in the handicapped parking spot?  I'm only going to be a few hours."  (You asshole.  Arrogance and selfishness are not disabilities qualifying you for special parking.)


6)  "But if I stay in the right lane, someone might expect me to move over to let them onto the highway.  And then I might have to move my pinky and signalling is really gruelling.  I'll just stay here in the passing lane going at or under the speed limit for the next 100 km."  (You asshole.  We will all get together and force you off the road into the ditch where you belong, since you clearly haven't grasped how to drive on the actual road.)


7)  "My employer wants to cut my 30 free sick days every year down to 20!  And even though I have no post-secondary education, I'm entitled to a $30/hour salary with 10% raises every year!  And if I don't get my way, I'm going to throw a temper tantrum on strike to inconvenience the customers who pay my bloated salary as much as possible.  What economic crisis?  What do you mean some people don't have jobs at all?"  (You entitled asshole.  We have labour laws to protect real worker rights, and most people would be thrilled to have half the benefits you do.  Hopefully your company goes out of business thanks to your bullshit, and you'll find out how the rest of the working world functions.  Good luck with that.)


See there are these things called "other people," and they have "feelings."  If you have any interest in being a full-fledged member of the human race, some consideration of others is necessary.  Find your filter and use it.  Do you really want everyone you meet to be humming this song as they walk away from you?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Whiplash

I kind of feel sorry for anyone reading my blog right now, because mood swings would be a kind way to describe my behaviour lately, in real and virtual life.  The thing is, I don't know how to do this.  I'm fortunate to have had little experience with grief until now so I'm just staggering around blindly in this darkness. 

I don't want to burden others with my sadness and despite being a TMI queen, something in me shrinks at making this experience any more public than it already is.  One of the things I'm thankful for is that I wasn't far enough along for everyone at work to know, and I don't have to deal with pitying looks and awkward reactions every day.  I can just pretend it never happened.

Which is what brought me to yesterday and several other moments of sudden, intense grief, where I find myself crying uncontrollably with little warning.  Somehow I have to find a way to acknowledge my sadness without letting it consume me.  When I laugh or have a good time somewhere, I feel horribly guilty.  How can I be happy when my baby just died?  Don't I care?  Intellectually I know this isn't reasonable, but my heart needs to catch up with my head.

Most of all, I'd like to say a heartfelt thank you for all of the kind comments and messages you've sent me in the last few weeks.  Your words really were a comfort to me, and I never thought I could feel so encouraged and supported by people I've known for such a short time, and haven't met in real life.  Thank you!!

So a few weeks ago, I read this bizarre story that was too good to keep to myself.  Here's a summary:

An economics professor is making the case for legal protections against looks-challenged people.

Writing an op-ed for the New York Times, University of Texas professor Daniel Hamermesh cites findings that good-looking people make more money, find higher-earning spouses, and get better mortgage deals. One study shows American workers assessed as being in the bottom seventh in terms of looks earn about $230,000 less in a lifetime than similar workers in the top third of looks.

Hamermesh offers a solution: Protect ugliness with small extensions of the Americans With Disabilities Act. Ugly people could get help from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. “We could even have affirmative-action programs for the ugly,” he suggests.

How would legal decision-makers determine ugliness? It’s not that difficult, Hamermesh says. “For purposes of administering a law, we surely could agree on who is truly ugly, perhaps the worst-looking 1 or 2 percent of the population.”

Hamermesh goes on to cite a counterargument: Expanding rights to help another protected group would be a further drain on government resources, possibly reducing protections for other groups.

“You might reasonably disagree and argue for protecting all deserving groups,” Hamermesh says. “Either way, you shouldn’t be surprised to see the United States heading toward this new legal frontier.”

Obviously this is an entertaining piece of freakonomics, but if you think about it seriously, he does have a point. Maybe we could offer free plastic surgery to those who really got screwed in the gene pool, just to even things out. What do you think?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Not OK

I hope you'll be patient with my limited reading and posting over the next little while.  As Angela at Begging the Answer said, I can't be a smart ass when I'm feeling wretched.  On Sunday I was on the first day of a business trip and delivered my dead baby alone in a hotel room far from home.  Last night when I got home J. and I spent some time with our little one and are planning a burial.

I can't keep pretending I'm OK.  I'm not.

Hope you'll still be here when I get back.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Very low customer demand

Either I have dreadful taste, or I'm just so special and unique that no one else can appreciate things like I do.  From make-up to food, if I take a liking to something, it doesn't have much time left.  With no warning or chance for me to stock up for the future, it will be taken away, never to be seen again outside my dreams. 

So here's a little tribute to a few of the wonderful things The Market has pried from my grubby little hands:

  • "Grass" perfume by Gap.  You disappeared from Canada over a decade ago and I haven't smelled that great since.  When I saw you at Grove City in Pennsylvania, I thought it was some kind of scent mirage and piled you into my bag with tears of joy.  But now I've only got one of you left... 

  • Dirt'n'Worms; X-Mint; and Ebony and Ivory ice cream from Baskin Robbins.  You took me through many a marathon study session and provided countless post-workout treats.  Alas, the market prefers flavours like green tea for their long-term ice cream needs.  I've managed to recreate Dirt'n'Worms at home, but the other flavours are lost to my forlorn tongue forever.  I miss you, X-Mint.
  • Ryka N Gage Instructor cross-trainers.  For the first time since Nike took away my favourite running shoes in 2000, I actually did a high-impact aerobics class without feeling like my knees and ankles were going to collapse in agony beneath me.  We had two wonderful years together and now you're gone.  Your replacement sucks and my ankles are still aching from yesterday's zumba class.  I blame Kelly Ripa.


  • Rusk Being Wild.  The only frizz fighting product that has ever worked on my defective, Ugly Betty-like hair.  Apparently no one else has hair quite like mine, because now I can only find you on ebay at horrifying prices.  Guess every day's gonna be a bad hair day soon.


  • Olive dress pants.  I had a nice pair of you for work 5 years ago, but spilled grease on you in my usual clumsy fashion.  I was annoyed, but didn't realize I might never have nice neutral olive pants again.  I have been unable to find you since ruining that first pair, except the short, elastic-waist kind my great-grandma might wear.  I know you exist in some dimension - I just can't find you.  This is what I want (butt included please!), although a little less form-fitting for work:


  • The local women's only gym.  You were the best gym I've ever been to, and I've been to a lot.  A perfect schedule, affordable fees, knowledgeable desk staff and fantastic, friendly instructors.  After you'd been in business for 25 years, I joined your little slice of workout heaven.  Two years later, you were gone.  Goodlife has half the class selection, much higher fees, rude and clueless desk staff and freakishly robotic, impersonal instructors.  But apparently that's what the market wanted, because now it's the only chain of gyms available within 40 km.


  • Notes from the Underbelly TV show.  I've stopped watching new TV shows until they've been out for a few seasons, since everything I start watching invariably gets cancelled (Girls Club, you were way better than Lipstick Jungle!  But guess which one got the axe...)



And the most recent victim:  Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger chips. 


You were the best chips I've ever had but our time together has ended.  Most infuriating is that you still exist, but all the grocery stores in our area have removed you, as explained by Zehrs:

Dear Ms. Azara,

Thank you for taking the time to write to us. I would like to apologize in the delay in responding to your email, as we are experiencing a higher than normal volume of emails.

We do try to offer a range of products that will meet the needs and tastes of all our customers, and we do review all products on a regular basis to ensure their suitability. However, in evaluating this particular product, the Doritos All-nighter Cheeseburger chips, we found that there is currently very low customer demand for it, and as a result the decision was made to no longer offer it as part of our regular inventory. 

I know this is not the answer you were looking for and I apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you and your family. We certainly understand your disappointment, and can assure you that your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate department for further review and consideration.

Yours Sincerely,

President's Choice service representative

 This is why people become hoarders.



Thursday, September 8, 2011

Gone

I had an ultrasound this morning and found out my second baby didn't make it.  I'm feeling pretty down and don't feel like talking about it right now, but wanted to let my bloggy friends know I really appreciated your encouraging words after I lost the first twin.  I was hoping for a happy resolution to these complications (see last post), but I guess it wasn't to be.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Moody Monday

I'm too cranky to post but I'm doing it anyway (you're welcome).  I really hope these pregnancy complications resolve themselves happily in the next month, because the combination of worrying about the baby and being banned from both exercise and sex is making for one bitchy mama.

In a desperate attempt to resurrect my mood without access to endorphins of any kind, I'm going to make a random happy list:

  • S. climbing onto our coffee table, standing up and dancing, before I pulled her down for her own safety (she'd better enjoy it now, because table dancing is only funny at 14 months.  14 years and I'm locking her in her bedroom)
  • Being given new responsibility for an interesting and complicated area at work
  • I've gained half the weight I had by this point in my last pregnancy.  Now I just have to keep this going despite being banned from exercising in the midst of rabid hunger (honestly, a touch of nausea would come in handy).
  • J. not having to work on Saturday, which meant I could take a badly needed 4-hour nap while he kept S. off the living room table
  • A relaxing and soul-soothing girls night with my childhood friends
  • Taking S. to her first waterpark playdate - she loved it!
  • Finally getting the ultrasound report from my doctor so I have the information I need to educate myself and advocate for my own care
  • Laughing my ass off at the Situation knocking himself out by ramming into a concrete wall.  I love Jersey Shore.
  • Deciding which book in my personal library to read next, like picking the right truffle out of a box of chocolates
  • The temperature dropping enough at night that we can open the windows, and I can fall asleep listening to the crickets in the marsh instead of the air conditioner
  • Finding my favourite sweet'n'salty Indiana popcorn on sale
  • Having a great date day with J. at the CNE (I'll go on the midway rides next year).  $15 for sand-sculpting, an acrobatics and figure skating show, rock-balancing and all kinds of interesting exhibits is a pretty cheap day.  Although the parking was more expensive than admission!  Big cities suck.

Sometimes the small stuff is the best stuff.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

All I wanted was a simple nipple from you

Things have been a little heavy around here lately and I needed a laugh.  Happy tears and stomach cramps later, I thought I'd share the hilarity with you.

Better start saving for the kid's therapy bill now:


(who's that weird guy in the background? oh, that's just your father)


and what about the effect of that cigarette?

When the news makes you laugh:

Windermere, UK (Feb 3, 2011) - John Powell is facing jail after he tried to scare teenagers away by chasing his ketchup-smeared fiancée down a moonlit farm track while wielding an axe.  He hatched the plan with Lucy Walton, 27, to spook the men parked in a lay-by on Cleabarrows Lane, Windermere.

"We were parked in the lay-by playing cards when we saw a woman come from down the lane," said Simon Jackson.  "She got to the car and was asking us to help her saying: Let me in, let me in. She was banging on the window in terror. Not long after he came with an axe and was tapping on the window. Then we were scared because we thought he was going to smash through the window."

John Powell, 28, admitted two charges of possessing an axe in a public place and using behaviour likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress on October 20, 2010, when he appeared at South Lakeland Magistrates Court.  Weeping as she gave evidence to the court, Miss Walton said they had wanted to scare the men who she believed regularly parked in the lay-by next to their farmland.

"We've had problems with youths on the lane. We'd seen that car in the past and called police but thought this time we'd scare them ourselves," she said. "There's litter and my horse had recently been injured because of people driving across the fields."

The couple have now had to cancel their wedding in Jamaica as well as a planned move to Australia as the court case prevents him from travelling.

Sacramento, California (Sept 3, 2011) - A California man is in custody after being accused of biting a python in what police said was apparently an unprovoked attack on the pet snake of an acquaintance.  The suspect, David Senk, 54, was arrested Thursday evening on suspicion of unlawfully maiming or mutilating a reptile, Sacramento police Sergeant Andrew Pettit said Friday. The badly injured snake underwent surgery.

In a jailhouse interview aired on KOVR-TV in Sacramento, Senk said he had no recollection of the incident after having blacked out from drinking but felt “horrible as hell about it.”  Senk said in the interview he was “not too fond of snakes (but) I try not to bite them.” 

Aug 10, 2010 - A Mount Pleasant, PA woman has been charged with harassment after smearing a dirty diaper across the windshield of another woman’s car after both attended the Fayette County Fair.  The road rage incident took place while stuck in a traffic jam as both women were leaving the Dunbar Township fairgrounds.

The dirty deed was reported to police on Saturday at 10:50 PM. Jessica Hollis, 23, of Mount Pleasant, PA has been charged with harassment after rashly smearing the windshield belonging to Melanie Campbell, 36, of Hopwood.  Campbell’s children were in the back seat of her car during the incident.  A phone number listed in Jessica Hollis’s name was disconnected Monday.

Hamburg, Germany (June 6, 2011) - More than 1,600 people showed up to celebrate a German teenager’s 16th birthday party after she inadvertently invited the public to attend on Facebook, Hamburg police said on Sunday.  The teenager named Thessa fled her home in the leafy Bramfeld section of Hamburg and alerted police after 15,000 Facebook users accepted her invitation ahead of the Friday evening birthday party, police spokesman Mirko Streiber said.

The crowd of 1,600 mostly jovial revelers jammed into the street on a balmy evening in front of her house while about 100 police were on hand to keep order for the duration from 7 p.m. and 2 a.m. Thessa had unwittingly neglected to mark her party as private on the social network, police said.

Streiber said 11 people were taken into custody for violations ranging from bodily harm and resisting arrest to property damage and violating explosives laws.  “It was by and large a peaceful party,” Streiber said. “There were some fires set alight, some acts of violence and with considerable alcohol consumption there was some property damage. There have been larger organized birthday parties in Hamburg but this may be the largest unorganized birthday party ever.”

Bermuda (Aug 25, 2011) - A traveller at a Bermuda airport last week was tired of being strip-searched -- so she took all her clothes off right there in line.

"If you want to see me naked, you can do it right f***ing here," Loukai Phillips told customs officers at LF Wade International Airport, according to the island's Royal Gazette newspaper.

The 36-year-old Bermudian who now lives abroad flew back to the island to take care of some financial matters. Her lawyer, Charles Richardson, told the paper she made the "impetuous decision" because she was frustrated at getting strip searched every time she returns.

She pleaded guilty to indecent exposure in a public place and apologized to the court. The judge gave her a 12-month conditional discharge and told her, "If you don't want to be searched, don't come through customs."

Houston, Texas (Mar 5, 2010) - A man who authorities say robbed a bank in northeast Harris County apparently wasn't greedy during his heist.

The man, dubbed the “Frugal Felon” by the FBI, robbed the First Convenience Bank inside a Kroger grocery store in the 12600 block of Woodforest about noon Thursday, authorities said.

He walked into the banking area, strode to a teller's window and pushed a note demanding cash across the counter.  The teller placed an undisclosed amount of cash on top of the note, but as she reached down below the counter to grab more money to give to the thief, he told her, “No, that's enough.” Then he grabbed the cash on the counter and the note and walked out of the store.

More proof parenting (or least dressing your baby) should be licensed:


(using your baby as a billboard is not good parenting)


tmi...

The best autocorrect fails ever (from damnyouautocorrect.com):










And to wrap things up, I leave you with the always classic People of Wal-Mart:




Shopping and baking all in one!


Thursday, September 1, 2011

A fish in a tree

Why do they have to stand so close?  And the lights!  Sidle back, look away.  Breathing all the way in and all the way out to quell the rising panic as the walls lean in. 

Every day so long with their piercing eyes and talking, talking, talking.  Try to look iris to iris like they do but it's too much, this visual sex with every person you meet.  Make the effort to hold a gaze and feel a steady flush creeping up the body until it burns like a flare across the cheek, marking you.  Pretend it's not there and no one can see, no one can see, but they're so close, why are they always so damn close!  Bolt out of the chair, babbling excuses as the escape is made.

"Everything is just too hard for you, isn't it?" she sneers, but it is.  This shared air is poison and somehow you make it through every day, following their rules as closely as you can stand, shaking with the strain of it.  Gritting your teeth against the constant noise shrieking across your mind, jangling through your head, spinning everything into brilliant screaming chaos.

And finally it's over. The clear cool night air washes over you as the stars keep their quiet distance.  You pencil the flashlight across the page, the liquid elegance of the equations smoothing raw nerves.  Put the astrophysics away for now and flip idly through your new issue of The Journal of Neuroscience until blissful sleep raises its comforting arms.  Sinking gratefully into the velvet unpeopled void.  Silence at last.

* * * * *


I wrote this for the Indie Ink challenge.  Joe Sanders challenged me with "Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid." - Albert Einstein.  I challenged Alisha with "Write from the perspective of someone who doesn't understand him or herself at all."