Saturday, November 10, 2012

Not the B.S. I had in mind

Hey shorty, it's your birthday. We're gonna party like it's your birthday. This special day used to be filled with kickboxing, a bubble bath, chocolate and this kind of night:


followed by:

 
Today was my 34th birthday and the celebrations were...different, shall we say. First I stumbled through a zumba class that I usually rock, because my knee was acting up again. By the time I got home, my knee had stiffened up agonizingly to the point that I had to use my other hand to bend and lift my leg to get out of the driver's seat of the car. It took me a long five minutes to drag my immobile leg up the stairs, interspersed with a shriek of pain when I accidentally put some weight on it.
 
While I ran the bath water, I pumped some of the milk out of my excessively large boobs. This looked about as attractive as a dairy cow attached to a milking machine.
 
http://www.farmissues.com
 
Thankfully Jay had been able to get Sass down for her nap and Little Man was resting peacefully in his bassinet, so the house was quiet. Just as I started to really relax into the bath water, the door flew open. Jay stood there holding a grinning, naked Sass by the upper arm. "You would not believe what our daughter has done," he said with a crazed look on his face.
 
It turns out Sass was not sleeping like an angel during her nap as we thought. She was stripping, pulling off her diaper, pooping on the carpet, stepping in it and then running laps around her room. Thank God she refrained from jumping on the bed.
 
I scrambled awkwardly out of the bath tub and started wiping Sass off, as Jay had gone into a minor state of shock when he saw the room and had just rushed her over to the bathroom, poo tail still hanging out of her bum. As I threw the toilet paper into the toilet, my hair fell into my eyes and I brushed it away in annoyance.  That's when I discovered I had gotten some poo on my hand, which I had just run through my hair. Shit highlights! Fantastic!
 
Jay plunked Sass into the bath tub, where she began whooping and dancing around like she was at an amusement park, until she suddenly flung herself onto her stomach and began drinking the bath water. Once Jay managed to wrestle her mouth away from the E. Coli stew, we wrapped her up in a towel and tried to dress her. This resulted in flailing and screaming as if we were branding her with a cattle iron rather than putting a diaper and pants on her.
 
Since she hadn't actually slept, Sass threw pretty much continuous temper tantrums for the rest of the day, including such angelic behaviour as trying to pull my mother's pants off when my family came to visit, slapping my sister in the boob and attempting to rip Little Man's blanket (with him in it) right out of Jay's arms. I felt sorry for her because she was so tired, but really. My sister, who doesn't have kids, asked in a confused tone, "Why doesn't she just go to sleep if she's tired?" Good fucking question.
 
So happy shitty birthday to me! (I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist.)
 
How the glamorous have fallen. 
 


24 comments:

  1. Well, you certainly know how to put the fun in a celebration, don't you? That was one shitastic birthday!

    Since it is too late to wish you a happy birthday, I'll wish you a happy 34 and one day. May the poo stay where it belongs and the joints do what they were made to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. My knee is getting better and Sass has remained diapered, so we're making progress.

      Delete
  2. I can't decide if this should really cheer you up, but that is what I was going for when I started typing... Just think one day she will be a teenager and while the fecal matter will be more figurative than it was today, she will still be spreading it. Nope....nope...definitely not the cheering up material i had hoped for. Let's just go with Happy Birthday 2013!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! That's what I tell myself too - that when she's a teenager I may look back at this as the easy time - but that just scares me.

      Thanks for stopping by.

      Delete
  3. I laughed and felt guilty. But shit highlights is funny from a far removed perspective. And I f*cking hate breast pumps. So sorry your bday sucked :( but its just one day, that is now over!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, it was funny then too. It was so bad that I had to laugh.

      Delete
  4. Oh no! But at least you got a good post out of it, right? LOL on the shit highlights and E. Coli stew. (Ewww.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Am I the only blogger who immediately thinks what a good post it will be when stuff like this happens? Just trying to find the silver lining, I guess.

      Delete
  5. Oh dear. . .did it occur to your husband that he could have cleaned the whole mess up, left you blissfully ignorant in your bath and then told you about it later, ending with, "Happy Birthday, my beautiful love"? You would have had to write about something else, but still. . .on the up side, lucky you to be so young. From the vantage point of 45, I'd love to be turning 34 again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He usually is quite thoughtful about things like that, but I think he was so shocked that he didn't know what to do. He did go and clean it up once he'd regained his composure.

      I feel so old since I had kids. I should appreciate my youth more, because I know I'll look back and think how young I was when I felt so old. Just like I wish I could be my "fat" weight in my 20s now!

      Delete
  6. Oh my God, I was dying of laughter reading this. Great way to start my Sunday morning. I thought the laughs were over and then I read your sister's line, "why doesn't she just go to sleep if she's tired?" and I almost peed my pants.

    Happy Crazy Birthday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! It was funny even at the time because it was so awful. But I was kind of glad when the day was over.

      Delete
  7. You are too funny!!! Thanks for sharing your humor with my NO RULES Weekend Blog Party :)) I'm now your newest GFC follower :)

    And Happy Fucking Birthday! lol

    Paula
    lifeasweknowitbypaula.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Enjoying your hop very much - thanks for joining up too.

      Delete
  8. hahahah I had twins both doing that for months!! In the end I had to stitch them into their onsies backwards every night!
    Crappy birthday ;-P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! I can't imagine having two kids doing this at once, and for months. What a great solution though. I'll have to keep that in mind.

      Delete
  9. Oh my gosh. That is...utterly macabre. I'm so sorry your birthday wasn't all pampering and fun and at the VERY LEAST, not filled with poop. Birthdays sure change a lot after kids. Happy birthday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what, it was funny though and I always enjoy a good laugh. The temper tantrums were a little tiring, but the poo escapades were strangely entertaining. Someday there will be pampering again, I'm sure.

      Delete
  10. Poo tail, shit highlights and E-coli stew. Who said parenting wasn't glamorous?

    Seriously though, one of my cousins used to get put down for bed with a roll of masking tape wrapped around her middle. If it wasn't there she would take her diaper off and paint the walls with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow. That is crazy! I think we'll have to do something like that if she makes this a habit.

      Delete
  11. As a mother of four... I have no comment on the shitstorm. BTDT.

    but happy birthday anyway!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! I should be thankful she didn't also smear it all over the walls like my younger brother did.

      Delete
  12. OMG this is the best thing I have read in awhile! Ha! I can so relate. Not just because I am an awesome 34 year old too. :)

    Our oldest used to have "code brown nap times" where she would fingerpaint with poo. WTF. On your birthday though??? That's just wrong.

    Love the cow milking thing- right there with you, though I haven't pumped in a few months! Woo-hoo!

    Happy birthday, mama, you won't soon forget it.
    Hilarious and brilliant post, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Code brown - that's awesome. I hope I won't need to remember that one, but I have a bad feeling.

    Thanks and glad you enjoyed!

    ReplyDelete

Lend me some sugar!