Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Advice for the guys

Dear Men,

We notice when you pull on your balls and are not impressed. Even if, especially if you pull on them while wearing a suit and sitting across from us in a business meeting.

It freaks us out when you're skinnier than we are. It just does.

We want a hug, not a ten-point action plan.

Admitting another man is attractive does not mean you're gay. Although it will probably alarm your girlfriend or wife if you start wolf whistling hot guys on the street.

When we fall into the toilet in the middle of the night, we lose all interest in sex for a minimum of one week.

You get better with age.

Our conversations with our girlfriends are far more detailed and X-rated than your conversations with your buddies. Until we're married and zip that lip out of respect for you...on the topic of sex at least.

We love how you make us laugh, which is usually not when you're telling a joke.

No, you don't like women who are completely au natural. You like women who are good at blending in their make-up.

Your hair loss bothers you more than it bothers us.

Hiding dishes in the oven or clean laundry under the bed doesn't qualify as putting them away.

We need you badly. Just not for your money.

Asking us what we're thinking about and then starting to watch TV as soon as we open our mouths ensures a nasty answer.

There's nothing cooler than a man who doesn't care how cool he is.

We masturbate more than you think.

When we're at a party together and we have food stuck in our teeth, it is your duty to discreetly tell us. Immediately, not in the car on the way home.

It doesn't matter how long we've been together. Number two should never, ever happen with the door open.

It's OK if you think a celebrity is hot and she bears some resemblance to your girlfriend or wife. Expressing great admiration for a flat-chested bleached blonde when your partner is a busty brunette will shut things down in a hurry.

We're strong and we work hard. We expect the same from you. We want a partner, not another child.

Penises are awesome. That is all.

Love,
Women

Mama’s Losin’ It
 Thanks Mama Kat for the great prompt: "Dear Men, (an open letter…offer a word of advice, an issue you’d like to address, or a solution to a problem for the opposite sex)."

70 comments:

  1. This is 100% spot on. Well done, woman!

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  2. All of this is so very true. And penises are awesome, yes they are.

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    1. And no, I don't want one myself. I just like admiring his.

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    2. I don't leave home without mine.

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  3. I truly did enjoy reading this; there is a lot of truths I can relate to in my relationship with my husband :)

    betty

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    1. When I started writing it I meant it to be more general, but it quickly morphed into a commentary on marriage/love.

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  4. Dear Women,

    What friggin losers are you hanging with?

    And yes I will put the seat down but I will never understand why women can't do it.

    Oh, admitting another guy is "a good looking dude" is fine, calling another man "attractive" is kinda gay...think about it!

    On behalf of all men I do apologize for the ball tugging!..

    In the good natured spirit that this post was made, I will admit there are some elements of truth and it is in fact a very funny post.
    Thanks for keeping us on our toes.

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    1. HAHA!! I showed it to my husband before I posted it and he made some weird faces but didn't suggest any changes. Maybe he was afraid?

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    2. I love that you kinda asked for his opinion before you posted it, but would you have made any changes had he asked? :)

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    3. Probably not, but I looked good for showing it to him before I posted, right?

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  5. just got a nice, healthy chuckle from this! thank you!

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    1. You're welcome - glad you enjoyed!

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  6. I think penises are weird looking, but this whole thing made me laugh! Well played!

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    1. Weird looking, yes, but still awesome! Thanks for the great prompt.

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  7. I loved this! It was hilarious and so true on so many levels!

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  8. This. is. pure. gold. It's like you crawled up inside my brain and said everything - but put it better - that I think on the topic!! Well, except for poop. We have a liberal pooping policy in our house. Not with the door open, mind you, but lots of talking about it. I'm sharing this post!

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    1. Thanks Kim! There's plenty of talk about poop in our house too - we have a potty training toddler. I just don't want to see or hear it when I don't have to.

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  9. totally spot on! alas poop is an open topic in our house too since having kids...

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    1. Same for us with two kids under the age of 3. But it would be nice if the adults could maintain a little mystery in the area.

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  10. Your bluntness and randomness crack me up to no end.

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    1. It's my natural way - I can't stop myself.

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  11. "It freaks us out when you're skinnier than we are. It just does." YUP.

    "We masturbate more than you think." YUUUUP.

    I have got to show this to R...

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    1. It's like we're a secret society - they have no idea what we really get up to. Haha!

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  12. Hi from ICLW. Hillarious! What a great post. I almost spit out my coffee while reading it! :)

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  13. "We want a partner, not another child."

    Yes, yes, yes. Love this.

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    1. That's the most important line in the whole thing for me.

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  14. Thanks for the morning laugh! Love the one about women who are good at blending their makeup :)

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    1. I remember in high school how guys would carry on about how girls wore too much makeup. Interesting how the most popular girls had more on than anyone else.

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  15. I loved this. It is just what I need to read first thing in the morning!

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  16. Truly and madly and perfectly hilarious! Great post!

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  17. Ha! Beautifully expressed! Penises are kind of special. I'll never forget when my son was a little teeny boy, and he first realized that women don't have them. "Do you have a penis, Mama?" "No. I am a lady, so I don't have a penis." He looked at me sympathetically and comforted me by saying "It's okay Mama, at least you have boobies!"

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    1. I'm just waiting for my 2.5 year old daughter to comment on her 5-month-old brother's extra parts. The last time she watched me changing his diaper I could see the wheels turning.

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  18. Stunningly perfect! Still giggling ...

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    1. Thanks! Always happy to provide a laugh :)

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  19. Here from ICLW. This made my day! So true!

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  20. Hahaha! All very true!!! Great post!

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    Replies
    1. Good to know I'm not the only woman who thinks these things.

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  21. So awesome and spot on! My favorite was the losing interest in sex/falling in the toilet - THAT ought to get their attention!

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    1. My husband is actually very good about this (he was raised by a single mom and has a sister...nuff said). I don't think I've fallen in the toilet once. But I've heard angry stories from more than one friend.

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  22. My favorite line...

    We love how you make us laugh, which is usually not when you're telling a joke.

    Though it wasn't easy to choose just one!

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    1. That one came from my own experience - my husband is naturally funny and I've told him many times he would be even funnier if he stopped trying to tell 10-minute long convoluted jokes.

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  23. I totally agree with May! The only one that DOESN'T apply to me is the toilet seat. I figure I don't put it up for him why expect him to put it down. Though I have a sneaking suspicion the hubs is too lazy to even put it up for himself....

    www.ambyrinthesky.blogspot.com

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    1. I wondered that too actually, but I've seen him put it up. I think his mom and sister ingrained in him the habit of putting it down, to my benefit.

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  24. I like penises too. In fact I have a spare right over there in the secret drawer next to the bed... :)
    But even the most awesome IRL penis loses its attractiveness if it is attached to a man who behaves as if his partner is, in fact, his mother. Or his maid. Or some combination thereof.

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    1. A spare...haha!! Love it. So true - mothers and maids are not good for the sex life.

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  25. "Hug, not a ten point action plan" made me laugh out loud. Why is it so hard for them to listen and say, "Don't worry it will be ok," instead of presenting their steps to happiness?

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    1. My husband is really good at giving the hug, actually to the point that sometimes I get mad and yell, "No, it won't be OK!" Poor men; we're never satisfied.

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  26. "We masturbate more than you think."
    Now THAT intrigues me.
    By the way, I stopped pulling on my balls when they reached my sneakers.

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    1. Women are much more risque than guys think - we just hide it better!

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  27. This list is perfection. I wholeheartedly agree with every single point on it. Well done!!! Also, thanks for the laugh!

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  28. Haha! Thanks for listing out every thought that goes through my head at varying times in life, so it's handy for easy access and I can just show it to my husband instead of explaining...;)

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    1. That's exactly how I wrote it. It is a handy little list, isn't it? My husband already knows most of these but I can think of some other guys who could use a read-through.

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  29. ::: standing ovation ::: Especially the one about wanting a partner not another child. Amen to that!

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    1. Thanks! Applause is always appreciated.

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Lend me some sugar!