Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Life code

HECATOLOGUE (noun): Code consisting of 100 rules


My life code, in no particular order:
 
1)  My alphabet doesn't include the letter "G," because I fell asleep at 8:00 last night while I was supposed to be writing my "G" post for the Challenge.
2)  Workout pants are black. No one needs to see vagina sweat, as revealed by light-coloured bottoms.
3)   Signalling is mandatory. I will never be so lazy and obnoxious that I can't be bothered to flick my pinky.
4)   A day without ice cream is a sad day.
5)   An animal that greets you by burying its nose in your crotch is not your best friend.
6)   Having your health and a happy family are the most important things in life.
7)   People who think money is irrelevant are people who've always had enough.
8)   Going braless is painful for you if you're busty and painful for others if you're not. Just because they're small doesn't mean we want to see your nipples.
9)   There's a right and wrong way to eat Skittles.
10)  Being all bony is gross. I'd rather have some cushion for the pushin'.
11)  Taking my anti-depressant isn't optional.
12)  Merging must be done as soon as possible. In fact, all lines are respected, because my time is not more valuable than everyone else's. I learned this in kindergarten.
13)  I wash my hands after I use a public washroom. Again, a kindergarten lesson that not everyone has learned, to my great disgust.
14)  Life is too short to spend time with people who don't make me feel better when I'm with them.
15)  Answering the phone is to be avoided at all costs. It's usually a telemarketer anyway.
16)  Any diet that involves removing entire food groups or eliminating sugar completely is the wrong diet.
17)  When something is on sale, you should buy more of it so you end up spending the same amount you would have if it weren't on sale.
18)  Water is delicious. No need for other beverages (except an occasional strawberry daiquiri).
19)  Capital punishment should be in place everywhere. Pedophiles, rapists and murderers have forfeited their right to live on this earth with the rest of us.
20)  A good book sale is worth taking the day off work.
21)  The passing lane is for passing. Stay out of it if you're not going faster than the cars in the lanes to your right.
22)   Diet pills result in very shaky hands, and that's it.
23)   Tampons, not pads.
24)   Long hair doesn't look good on me. Stop trying it.
25)   Being in love with another single, consenting adult is always a beautiful thing.
26)   Paying a cleaning person is money well spent.
27)   Blogging is free therapy. Enjoy it. When you don't enjoy it, stop doing it until you do again.
28)   Getting up early when not required for work is crazy.
29)   Buy clothes in the size that fits you, not the size you wish you were.
30)   TV shows are better when you can watch the whole season at once.
31)   Cuddle your kids as much as possible, because they won't want to be cuddled forever.
32)   Heels make every outfit look nicer.
33)   You don't need to finish reading a book that feels like a homework assignment.
34)   An amazing Caesar salad and perfectly grilled steak are worth the calories.
35)   Do not make any important decisions or talk to anyone in the three days before your period starts. This is for their safety and yours.
36)    Reading a daily newspaper is part of being a global citizen.
37)    There will be no minivans. Ever. Under any circumstances.
38)    A Mazda6 is not big enough for two adults, a toddler, a baby and their diaper bags and strollers. An SUV is rearing its ugly mammoth head.
39)   Sunday morning is a great time to sleep in.
40)   Ceramic hair straighteners are the best thing ever.
41)   Having flat feet doesn't have to stop you from dancing.
42)   Don't congratulate a woman on her pregnancy unless you're afraid you may need to deliver the baby at any moment.
43)   Enjoy life now, because you don't know what tomorrow will bring. Retirement may never come.
44)   White pants do not belong on this booty.
45)   I don't carry cash. That's what credit and debit cards are for.
46)   When you wake up in the middle of the night, it's better to just get up and go pee rather than trying to go back to sleep while holding it. You won't sleep well.
47)   Zumba and cardio kickboxing are like happy pills. Doing them daily means I don't have to take as high a dose of my actual happy pills.
48)   Lotteries are a tax on stupid people. But you can't win if you don't play.
49)   Getting exactly what you wanted online without having to leave the house is totally worth the shipping charge.
50)   Spiders are the devil and must be killed in multiple ways (by someone else) to ensure they're really dead.
51)    Never wake a sleeping baby. But you can poke him to make sure he's still breathing.
52)    Don't waste a movie ticket and babysitting time on a movie that doesn't look best on a big screen. Save the comedies for DVD.
53)    Best quote ever: "I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a fucking lady."
54)    Do not ask a couple when they're planning to have their first/second/any baby. There is nothing ruder, more intrusive and possibly hurtful than prying into someone else's reproductive life and choices. Don't bring it up unless invited.
55)   A cooler room temperature with lots of sweaters and comfy blankets is better than a room that resembles a sauna.
56)   Always back in. There's no cross-traffic in the parking spot or your driveway.
57)   Your shorts-wearing days are over.
58)   The clock needs to be set 20 minutes ahead to ensure you're only a little late for everything.
59)   Don't drop in on us unannounced. We're naked.
60)   Sometimes a hecatologue only goes up to 60, and that's OK.
61)   Baths, not showers, and only at night.
62)   Mental health days are a perfectly valid use of sick days.
63)   Hover rather than sitting while wiping. I don't even understand how wiping while sitting is physically possible.
64)   Always leave a buffer seat, parking spot, washroom stall, etc. when possible. There's no need to get any closer to strangers than necessary.
65)   Until grocery stores start offering a discount for self-checkout, use the line with a packer.
66)   An eye mask is required for a restful sleep.
67)   The Lipsmacker supply must never be allowed to run out.
68)   Since there are other cars moving in the parking lot, do not drive wildly across it like it's your personal stunt driving course. There are rows with lines and everything, just like a real road. Use them.
69)   Don't take yourself too seriously.
70)   Find out about the special attractions/events at a holiday destination in advance so you make the most of your time there, and get to see what the place is famous for.
71)   Turn all the lights on. It's like a freakin' dungeon in here.
72)   Pets are too much work. We already have two wild animals, aka our toddler and baby.
73)   Don't form close friendships with your neighbours or co-workers, unless you're OK with moving or finding a new job when the drama inevitably starts.
74)   No more than one drink if driving. Period.
75)   Never let fear of offending someone interfere with your instincts regarding your child's safety.
76)   Don't ask your partner questions that have essentially harmless but hurtful answers, and serve no constructive purpose in your relationship ("do you ever think about anyone else when we're having sex?" "are you less attracted to me at nine months pregnant?" "does my period gross you out?")
77)   Let the grass grow as long as municipal by-laws will allow.
78)   You have nothing to prove. You don't have to go sky-diving, bungee jumping or ride roller coasters. That trapeze class was pretty awesome though!
79)   Tossing and turning all night on the lumpy ground before waking all cold and wet, covered in spider and insect bites and filthy from the lack of running water, is not fun. You don't need to pretend it is.
80)   People who talk about sports or obscure indie bands all the time should be avoided like the plague.
81)   Don't buy non-organic apples.
82)   Tans come from the sun in the summer and nowhere else.
83)   Toilet paper over the top of the roll. I'll turn it around if I have to.
84)   "Spots" in fitness classes are to be respected.
85)   Don't read or watch the graphic details of horrible crimes. You already know how evil the world can be.

10 comments:

  1. So many nuggets of wisdom there. I found myself nodding my head as I read.... a lot! :)

    Left and Write

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    Replies
    1. It's funny how these are things I don't even think twice about. This is just how I live.

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  2. I think that I need to have a hectalogue too. Great list and some really, really good rules!

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    Replies
    1. I'd like to read some other hectalogues. I think they'd be really interesting.

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  3. If only strawberry daiquiris were as good for us as water. Nothing like a good strawberry daiquiri.

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  4. "60) Sometimes a hecatologue only goes up to 60, and that's OK." LOL!

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  5. Love your rules - especially about merging, happy pills and dropping by unannounced. Great list!

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Lend me some sugar!