Thursday, April 4, 2013

Too much of a good thing

DODRANTAL (adj): Of nine inches in length

 
Well, come on. You can't put a word like that in front of me and expect me not to go there. It would be cruel and unusual. Don't worry; there are no visuals. I don't want to have to slap an adult content warning on this baby. However, if unillustrated penis ponderings will offend your sensibilities, now's the time to click away.
 
Growing up as a Christian teenager, it crossed my mind that waiting until you were married to have sex could result in a wedding night that was...surprising. While I'm not recommending going on a penis-sampling rampage, I'm not sure waiting until you've committed to a penis for its whole life before making its acquaintance is the best move. What if you don't get along? That's a long time to live with a roommate when you were expecting a lover.
 
For example, the poor couple where the woman asked when she would be able to fully meet her new friend, only to be told he was already in the door. Partners can learn each other's bodies, but it usually helps if they can feel the happy parts in the first place. Just sayin'.
 
On the other hand, I have very limited penis experience since I married my high school sweetheart and have no interest in meeting other penises. So this may be pure ignorance talking, but it seems to me there comes a point at which Mr. Big becomes Mr. Too Big (just like when my bra size went into double letters).
 
Several years ago I went with some girlfriends to the Everything About Sex trade show in the big city and saw a male stripper on the main stage. Thankfully he didn't take it all off, but he might as well have, since wrapping up his party equipment in a tube of fabric didn't leave much of a mystery: this thing was as long as my forearm and as wide as a pop can.
 
It was horrifying, like seeing an unedited vaginal birth for the first time (excellent birth control, by the way). Although my sister-in-law became hysterical with lust and rushed the stage, the rest of us pretended we didn't know her and ran away, shielding our eyes from the prodigious penis. 
 
Average Joes, take heart. As long as we can tell it's there and it doesn't cause an eclipse in the bedroom light, we're good to go. No dodrantal tools necessary.

20 comments:

  1. How about a semidodrantal?
    Not that ...

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    1. I don't know...how much of a semi?

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  2. OH MY! I am now trying to figure out a way to work this into every day conversations because. Oh. My!

    As far as I know most penises are very friendly amd not at all shy or bashful. But like you I really don't have much experience in that department. I'm good with what my husband...is...

    Moving on. I've actually always felt really bad for the well endowed men - just like ampley busted women, there's a point where it's just too big. I mean how do men, you know, keep it secure when going about their day?

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    1. I've thought that so many times for all men in general. It must be so annoying to have this thing bopping around down there all the time. I guess they're used to it.

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  3. HA! How could you not have gone there? Thank you for the restraint in not putting a photo in here. The visuals you have created with your words is more than enough. :)

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    1. I didn't want to scare everyone off without them even reading the post!

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  4. One word: OUCH. Definitely NOT. Ugh.
    Happy A to Z though, very entertaining post :)

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    1. Yup. I don't know what the fuss was about - it looked painful to me.

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  5. Very entertaining - I can just see your sister-in-law storming the stage "hysterical with lust"... Looking forward to the rest of your A - Z's!

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    1. Security had to hold her back! It was ridiculous - I'm serious about the pretending not to know her.

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  6. lol I really enjoyed your post. Some of those dancers scare me, too. Happy D!

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    1. I'd never seen a male (or female for that matter) stripper before and I think I'm all good for the future too. It wasn't remotely sexy, just freaky.

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  7. Hahahahaha--great post! I needed this lightness :D And yes, I agree that sampling the goods before committing--especially when it's a lifetime thing--is important. Maybe kind of like testing the avocados at the supermarket: you're not going to pinch *every* single avocado in the basket, but... well, a few. The ones that look sort of right to you. And only after Mom (or another respectable authority) has provided guidance as to what "right" looks like :D

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    1. Excellent fruit analogy - I completely agree.

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  8. Loved this post. ;) And I can say from experience that bigger is not always better. LOL. However, the "big" I have known was nothing like what you described in this post - YOUCH!

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    1. It seems like it would be more important to know how to use it :)

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  9. LOL. How did you even find this word? :) Men never believe it, but I do have to agree, bigger is not always better.

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    1. I found it at The Phrontistery. It's an awesome website with "lost words" - I'm using it as the theme for the A-Z Challenge.

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  10. I haven't had much experience with penises besides my own. Great post!! Found you on the A to Z list.

    Gonna follow.

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Lend me some sugar!